Hear My Song

Before you start reading, open the link to this song* in another tab and let it be your background music. :)

I can't listen to it without crying these days, though granted, everything makes me cry these days.

A co-worker stopped by my desk the other day to see how I was feeling, and asked, "Have you started singing to the baby yet??"  I laughed a little, and replied, "Well, it was onstage with me for the last four weekends as I sang in Into the Woods!  And Landon sings to it all the time."  But it got me thinking...

I haven't really.  Not yet.  Understandable, as my time is spent at work or feeling sick at home, and people would look askance at a singing receptionist (or maybe I could add that to my job description?!) and when you feel sick, singing isn't really on the top of your list.  At least it isn't on the top of mine.

Her question makes me tear up when it echoes in my mind.  Little One obviously responds to our voices - singing or otherwise.  Landon has been able to make it move by talking or singing since week 10, and now that we're approaching week 20 (Sunday!), he can feel the response, too.  During the last Saturday performance of Into the Woods, I was singing the sad song -- "No One is Alone" -- that has lyrics about mother not being here anymore and oh boy!  Little One was SO active throughout.  I had to fight back a smile (I should have been crying.  The one time my pregnancy hormones would not work for me!) and the urge to stop and say, "No, no!  I'm here; I'm not leaving.  Mother is here."  And THEN I wanted to cry.

I miss my mom.  A lot.  The distance from Colorado to Michigan is terrible.  It feels even further away the more my belly rounds and my thoughts become more and more like a mom's.  I suppose that's natural.  The closer to motherhood I get, the further from childhood I move, and yet all I want is to be my mother's child....and hear her sing over me.

My entire childhood was characterized by my mother singing.  I fell asleep to her playing the piano, a warm blanket of music that assured me she was there.  Everyday tasks and activities had their own little song that would have made Snow White proud.  It was just our way of life.

I obviously went into musical theatre honestly.

Mom (and me!) - June, 1986

Our regular UPS delivery guy at work asked me yesterday, "So, I keep delivering flowers for Mother's Day this week and it got me thinking, are you considered a mother already?"  I proudly decided, "Yes, I am!"  After all, I'm carrying and caring for and loving this child, and if (God forbid!) something were to happen and it didn't come to term, I would still consider myself a mother and grieve as such.

That was two days after it had already hit me hard -- I'm going to be a MOM.

I'm glad I have a good one.

Are you listening to the song I posted at the top?  I was singing it last night as I was heating up our Rainy Day Soup, and I kept getting choked up.  I sit in the middle of mothering and needing to be mothered (which will never change, right?) and I hear this song from both sides....words to be sung over my baby and words my mother sings over me.  The ending is particularly hard for me to get past the tears enough to warble a melody:

Listen to the song that I sing
Listen to the words in my heart
Listen to the hope I can bring
And you'll start to grow
And shine
Listen to the song that I sing
And trust me...
We'll be fine.

There's hope in there, isn't there?  This legacy of mothering that gets passed down from generations in songs and words and love.  It all adds up to growth and hope and trust.  I realize that's not true for everyone, but I think I can confidently say it's what we at least long for in a mother.

And someone is going to long for that from me.

I'm daunted. 

But again, I have a good one, so I'm not terribly daunted. :)

Mom (and me!) - Dec. 24, 1986

I had a revelation the other day that I've been keeping close to my heart, but I'm willing to share now.  I'm more accepting of this pregnancy now, though I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but I certainly wasn't to begin with.  If you didn't know by now, we did not plan this.  In fact, I had my year pretty well planned out!  I'm not a huge fan of my plans getting disrupted, like, ever.  I spent many tears lamenting a life change that I felt was pushed on me/us.  Hormonal tears, yes, but also stubborn tears.  Am I 100% over that feeling?  No.  But I'm closer.  Especially as Little One continues to greet us through my belly.  But to get to the "revelation"...

I was chosen to have this child.

Not planning and hoping for it makes the choice feel all the more intentional.  Now was the appointed time for this child to be here.  I certainly didn't feel as accepting as Mary did, but I'm not bearing the Christ child.  BUT -- enter revelation -- I was chosen to have a child that may very well reflect Christ to someone somewhere some time in a way that only he/she can.

....I'm still pondering it....

It's....I'm not sure...something akin to intimidating, honoring, and exciting all at the same time.

I will continue to ponder.

But lie in my arms while you're sleeping
And think of the rivers you've crossed
I'll tell you the dreams I've been keeping
For moments like this
When your hope is lost

Amazing how much we depend on our mothers.  For warmth, for life, for hope.  To remind us of truth we've forgotten.

It reminds me of someone else, too.  I think I know where us mothers get it from.

The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I'm glad that's where we get it from. :)

It's why we allow our bodies to drastically change, why we cry over certain songs, why we wake up in the middle of the night, why we pray.   And I've barely become part of this "we".

Mother's Day is Sunday.  I will spend it FaceTiming with my mother and mother-in-love, and rubbing my belly while singing to my Little One, storing up one dream after another.

Happy Mother's Day!

18.5 weeks - April 30, 2014

*Hear My Song, from Songs for a New World by Jason Robert Brown (only one of the best shows ever from one of the best composers ever!)