Watermelon Before Bed is Bad

My goodness, where to begin?

We are 32.5 weeks and counting.  (What??)

I'm getting bigger everyday, and oddly loving it.  (Yes, really!)

32.5 Weeks - August 5, 2014

Oh, and did I mention that we're THIRTY-TWO POINT FIVE WEEKS???

Let's just call 2014 "The Year of the Pregnancy".  Maybe "Year of Expectation" sounds better, but that's a little too existential, don't you think?  Truly, though, I've been marking the year with trimesters and trips to the bathroom (TMI?) and suddenly the realization that it's August is hitting hard.  Next month is the "Month of Birth" (NEXT month!), though I suppose if she is a little late, then that title goes to October.

I'd be okay with an October baby.  People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'd like her to be a week late.  "I'll ask you again in 8 weeks...." But here's the thing -- if I can work up until my due date, my maternity leave takes me up until the week before Christmas.  If I can work a week past my due date, then I go back to work the week AFTER Christmas.  Now doesn't that just sound nicer??  Of course, none of this is in my control....story of this year. ;)

In crazy news, she is already head-down and ready to go.  At my last appointment, my doctor explained what my water breaking will be like and I froze a bit -- it's already time to be aware of that???  Whoa.  There is every possibility (but no indication) that she could come early, but surely -- it's too early to talk about it, right??  Apparently not.

Each day, I get more and more excited to meet Little One.  At work the other day I thought, "One day, I will be eagerly looking forward to going home to see my husband AND my baby girl!"  The forethought that makes me a good theatre producer is taking a turn for the baby as little things pop into my brain with a definite "mommy" tint.  Eventually the first feeding of the day will have to be at 6am so I can get to work by 7:30.  Um...she's not even here yet...and I haven't even gone on leave yet....why am I already thinking about when I go back to work??  It's just the way my brain works, I guess.  Gotta love it. :)

Speaking of thinking like a mom, the other day we were getting in the car and I started laughing.  Landon said, "What is it?" I laughed, "Oh boy, I just had the distinct feeling --- we forgot to bring the baby!!!"  The look on his face was priceless.  Thankfully, she was right where she needs to be -- in my belly! :D

We start our childbirth classes tomorrow night.  Four Thursdays that will teach me how to do the craziest, hardest thing I've ever done in my life and hopefully, all without medication.  I'm giving myself grace in case I change my mind (I know plenty of people who say I will), but for now, I don't relish the idea of needles, catheters, not feeling most of my body (it freaks me out!), and the potential harmful effects on the baby.  No judgement -- just no love of needles is really what it comes down to.  Naive?  Maybe.  But I'm gonna try!  I have a strong desire to be an active participant in her delivery and the stubbornness to hold onto my "Love endures all things" mantra.  But like I said, I'm giving myself grace and keeping the door open should the drugs be just what I need.

The last two weeks have been busy with house guests and grandparents.  My mom was here for almost a week, and then Landon's parents for an extended weekend.  Babies 'R' Us was visited twice and Little One blessed with grandparent gifts.  Lots of belly-touching and feeling the first granddaughter as she danced for her grandparents.  And the best part -- we didn't have to do the dishes for about 2 weeks. ;)  It was a very, very special time.  When they all come back (this time with my dad, too!), they'll be passing around a baby....you know, if they actually share with each other. ;)  I'm greatly looking forward to that!

Last Sunday, dear friends in Virginia Beach surprised me with a virtual baby shower via Face Time.  Fun!  We couldn't be more blessed with their outpourings of love.  Between them and grandparents, we have 3 of my top 4 baby items checked off the list.  Such a burden lifted!  My boss at work is planning a big shindig for me in a few weeks.  A theatre friend is hosting a shower for my theatre friends here, and a church friend is planning a joint shower for me and another gal.  I'd say Little One is already loved and cherished, indeed!

Get ready to say, "Awwww!!!"  Landon put together the pack'n'play the other night and I just melted.  We're not doing a crib or nursery in our small apartment.  Instead, she'll sleep in a bassinet next to my side of the bed, and then move into the pack'n'play when she outgrows the bassinet.  But I tell ya -- my heart was a puddle watching my handsome husband set up the future sleeping/play place of our daughter.  I will treasure that sight forever.  "Awwww!!!"

It's ready for her!

When it comes down to it, I'm more excited than miserable (finally) -- though the misery has changed.  Haha.  I think I've said goodbye to good sleep forever (or at least the next few years) as restless leg syndrome only increases with pregnancy, heartburn rages in the darkness, and frequent bathroom trips become even more frequent.  Little One herself has even woken me up a few times with her long limbs in my stretching midsection.  Last night I discovered that the watermelon that cools my heartburn is a really, really bad idea before bed.  All that water and juice!  Three trips to the bathroom in 30 minutes is just too much.

The most difficult thing I'm dealing with right now are my heightened emotions.  Seriously, these hormones do a number on you!  Every time I see my baby bump in the mirror, I tear up.  The "Share a Coke with..." pregnancy announcement caused me to burst into tears...at work.  It's not a trip to the grocery store unless I have an emotional breakdown somewhere around the freezer aisle.  I am SO quick to irritation -- for no reason as well as justified causes -- but it's harder to shake and easy to apply to everything in general.  I find myself saying things I don't mean and regretting it sorely.  In general, I just feel like I work SO hard to control my emotions and then I get exhausted and fail miserably.  I was thinking about just that when I was reading a book and came across this passage:

"Do you say it is impossible always to govern one's feelings?  There is one method, a never-failing one -- prayer.  It consoles and strengthens the wounded heart, and tranquillizes the most stormy passions.  You will say, perhaps, that you have no leisure to pray every time your temper is provoked, or your heart is grieved.  It requires no time -- the inward ejaculation of 'Lord, help me to overcome this temptation,' may be made in any place and amid any employments; and if uttered in humble sincerity, the voice that said to the raging waters, 'Peace! Be still!' will restore quiet to your troubled soul."

Encouraged!  And a little convicted, but mostly encouraged.  And so grateful for a patient, understanding husband who keeps me from feeling too crazy.

That quote was from a book written in 1831 called, "The Mother's Book" by (ironically) Mrs. Child.  It is definitely dated and incredibly fun to read.  It's basically like Jane Austen's guide to motherhood.  I have literally laughed out loud a few times at her advice and reasoning.  Here's a few snippets -- because they are just too good.

"They come to us from heaven, with their little souls full of innocence and peace; and, as far as possible, a mother’s influence should not interfere with the influence of angels.”   
             
"Does not the little cherub in this way guide you to heaven, marking the pathway by the flowers he scatters as he goes?” 


“Evil enters into his soul, as the imperceptible atmosphere [of anger] he breathes enters into his lungs; and the beautiful little image of God is removed farther and farther from his home in heaven.”     

"The care of children requires a great many sacrifices, and a great deal of self-denial; but the woman who is not willing to sacrifice a good deal in such a cause, does not deserve to be a mother.”  


“You will find that a smart, notable housewife is always an ‘observing woman.’  What constitutes the difference between a neat, faithful domestic, and a heedless, sluttish one?  One pays attention to what she is about, and the other does not.  The slut’s hands may be very dirty, but she does not observe it; every time she takes hold of the door, she may leave it covered with black prints, but she does not observe it.  One educated to attend to things about her, would immediately see these defects and remedy them.”  

Hilarious, right?  Apparently, she was quite the authority on all things womanly, having had a great success with her other book, "The Frugal Housewife."  I'm thoroughly entertained.

Alright - last thing for this unbearably long post!  Someone asked what my favorite baby item has been so far.  Unquestionably -- Mister Frog.  Not "Mr.", but "Mister Frog."  (He's a Southern gentleman)  I had registered for him online, but he was always out of stock when we went to Babies 'R' Us.  Well, this last time we were there, so was he!  I grabbed him off the shelf and couldn't let go while we were wandering around.  "I'm not suggesting we buy him right now...I just need to hold him!"  Well, Grandma T. bought him. ;)  He's really quite wonderful.  If I haven't mentioned it already...I'm quite obsessed with frogs and monkeys right now.  Little One is going to have a thorough knowledge of all things frog and monkey (at least the cute, cartoony, toy-like ones!).

Mister Frog!

32.5 weeks...If you were me, what would you be thinking right now?  Let me know in the comments!!

32.5. Weeks - Gettin' bigger, right??

Updates from Week 29...

It's Week 29 y'all!  (That's leftover from my Virginia days)  I don't have many heart ponders or stories to tell today, so I figured I'd update you on some milestones we're hitting.

* We are now officially more weeks along than I am years old.  Well, I guess we hit that milestone last week, but I keep forgetting my age along with everything else these days...oh pregnancy brain!

* I have gained 22 pounds which puts me exactly where I should be on the growth chart.  Hurray!

*My belly has doubled as a table more than once.  Ha!

*I said goodbye to my toes a few weeks ago, and am very close to asking Landon to assist in shaving my legs (talk about marital trust tests and bonding!).

*At my last doctor's appointment, she kept using the word "Perfect!" to describe everything....Little One's heartbeat, the size of my uterus, my weight gain, etc, etc.  It's rather comforting to know that we are doing so well!

*I'm pretty sure Little One's first pair of walking shoes needs to be tap shoes.  She and Landon had quite the tap recital the other night -- he would tap at her, and she would tap back.  And we aren't just talking one or two taps.  Shuffles, step-ball-changes, buffaloes, time steps....maaaaybe I'm exaggerating, but it at least felt like she was matching his rhythm!

*My glucose screening was last week and if you know me, you know that I don't do needles.  Like, at all.  As I was squeezing Landon's hand, tearfully looking into his eyes while trying not to faint, I quite honestly said, "I think this is the first time I've thought -- why did you do this to me???"  I'm told it probably won't be the last time I think that, but one can hope.

*There is a girl at work who is newly pregnant and we have great fun emailing back and forth all day about all things baby.  So fun!

*Babies 'R' Us discontinued selling the car seat I picked out.  Grrrr.  Of course, it went with the stroller, so now I have to find a new car seat AND a new stroller.  And I thought I was all done with that....

*I met a lovely Norwegian mom at a lunch cafe the other day.  It was so interesting to hear her tales of giving birth in Norway once and giving birth in her home in the US another time.  Her accent was amazing.  Connecting with a person over motherhood is certainly a delight.  I do love to connect with random people, and now I have this natural little starting point.  It definitely brings back memories of my mom talking to random mothers in stores.  I rolled my eyes and got impatient then, but now I kinda think it's the coolest thing ever.

* Speaking of my mom!!!  She is coming to visit in 10 days!!!!!!  I couldn't be more excited!  I wake up each morning thinking, "She's almost here!"  I am so looking forward to her feeling Little One move, talking about all things baby, and of course, shopping for her granddaughter. :)

*Speaking of grandmothers!!!!  The day after my mom leaves, Landon's parents are coming into town!!!  I couldn't be more excited! I am so looking forward to them feeling Little One move, talking about all things baby, and of course, shopping for their granddaughter. :)

*My favorite thing to do these days is just sit and watch my belly move all over the place.  I am excitedly looking forward to when I can see a hand or foot.  For now, I'm very happy with all the bumps and rolls and totally misshapen belly!

*The 7-11 app is the best thing ever right now.  It's their birthday week, and if you have their app, every day they are giving away something for free.  I am especially looking forward to Wednesday with their free Twix ice cream bars!!  I will be going early.  And maybe to multiple locations.  It's happening.

**Bonus 7-11 story.  We have one on our block (so convenient for ice cream/slurpee cravings!!) and we have gone two different times when the same girl is working.  BOTH times she has said, "Awww....are you having a boy???"  Just like that.  No "Are you expecting?"  No "Do you know what you're having?"  She just scans our stuff and then looks at my belly and says, "Awww...are you having a boy???"  And both times I have said, "Um, no.  A girl!"  Why does she ask it that way??  I'm confused.

*As of Week 29, we pretty much are very excited to see our little girl soon, and very much willing to wait for that to happen.  Time just seems to be flying.  It's the MIDDLE OF JULY already.  2 1/2 months to go!!!

Heartburn, Hiccups, and Winding Down the 2nd Trimester

25.5 Weeks - June 18, 2014

There's a baby in there!

I'm constantly more and more aware of her, this little girl who is taking on a personality already.  She is SO active!!  I absolutely love it.  My belly bounces all over the place, and I have to decide between watching it bounce or laying a hand on to touch her.  It's the coolest, most special feeling in all the world -- and I'm already (prematurely!) lamenting when it will go away.  BUT then she'll be here and I can hold and cuddle and squeeze all I want.

She's finally gotten the hiccups at least once, which is so darn cute.  Everyone keeps asking about it, and while she's active and moves a lot, it's rarely rhythmic.  Yesterday, though, it was this pattern of little "hic!"s that made me smile so big.  A few weeks ago, the skirt I was wearing in the above photo helped me actually feel her heartbeat.  It has a stretchy top, though it's not a maternity skirt, that I could either pull all the way over my belly or rest it just below (anything in between was uncomfortable!).  When sitting, it was more comfortable to have it up high.  Little One was also sitting up high that day, and suddenly I became very aware of a fast pulsing just under the skirt band.  I put my fingers on it, and sure enough, a pulse that landed somewhere in the 130's.  SO FUN.  My mind can barely contain that there are two beating hearts in me right now.

She still loves Landon's voice, which is handy, because she has unfortunately found a few places to rest and kick her feet that hurt like crazy.  They must be nice resting places for her because once she's found them, she stays and nothing I do can move her. She's daddy's girl already and when he calls to her from the other side, she tends to move towards him, giving mama's belly some much needed relief.  I really can't wait to see them interact together.

Landon says I'm giving him some training in resisting her girlish pleas, as I go to bed much earlier than him nowadays.  He hangs out with me for awhile, prays with me, and tops of my water glass...but sometimes I just don't want him to leave quite yet.  "Pleeeease stay here?" I coo with big, brown eyes.  "Just a few more minutes.  You need to sleep," he lovingly replies.  "But I looooove you!  I don't waaaant you to leeeeave!"  Maybe I do whine a little, but hey, I only see him for a few hours a day.  Resistance training or not, I still maintain that she is going to have him melting all over the place.

I've been looking all over for a rocking chair.  It seems like a motherly thing to get.  Of course, I had something very specific in mind -- one just like my mom had when I was a baby.  Impossible, right?  Wrong!  Craigslist is wonderful.  I found this beauty for $20 in almost perfect condition.

That's where I'll spend most of my mornings...and nights....and every two hours....  It's perfect.

Granted, my baby isn't the only baby who will love it.  Apparently there was a spider egg sac wedged in one of the curves, and now we're taking care of baby spiders spinning their art in various corners and spaces.  Ugh!  But I think we're winning the battle.

We are winding down the second trimester, with only 2.5 days until we hit the home stretch.  So crazy.  How did time go so quickly??  Why is it moving so slowly??  A few weeks ago, I definitely hit "freaking out about labor".  It wasn't pretty.  Too many horror stories.  Why do people think it's okay to freak out a first-time prego lady??  It's not okay.  She already has fears about the unknown and they are just not helping.  We had a doctor's appointment that week and I got to ask my fearful questions and she answered them quite satisfactorily.  I feel better. :)

Around the same time, a girl at work I barely knew came down to my desk to excitedly tell me she just found out she's pregnant.  "We're not telling anyone yet, but I know you're expecting, too, and I just wanted to come tell you!!"  She was already glowing.  I loved it.  She joins me now once a week for my lunch-time walk and we talk about babies and life.  It's fun that God put someone in my life that I could encourage so immediately after feeling discouraged and frustrated with other people and their "advice" and stories.

This last month has brought some relief from the morning sickness (finally!!), with only the occasional relapse, but it has also introduced something I've never experienced before -- heartburn.  WHAT??  I knew it was possible.  All the books and websites say it's possible.  I was just hoping it wouldn't happen to ME.  And oh, has it ever.  I find myself singing a song from the musical Wicked: "What is this feeling so sudden and new??"  According to old wives' tales, Little One is going to have a full head of hair.  I think I'd rather have a little baldy who grows hair later than all this heartburn now!  It really doesn't matter what I eat, how I sleep, what I take for it....it's almost always present. Sigh.

With all the fear and all the pain that this pregnancy has gifted me, it has also brought a lot of joy and a ton of perspective.  I really can't stop raving about how wonderful it is to feel her so actively.  I dream of little curls and silly giggles.  I think more often and more deeply about my own childhood, my parents, and sacrifice.  Something that's kept me going through the pain and fear is "Love endures all things."  The Holy Spirit whispered it to me at the height of my "labor is going to be like what???" freakout, and it was instant comfort.  Love truly does endure all things.  I've never met this little girl, but I love her dearly, and if going through inordinate amounts of pain is what I must endure to meet her and love her and care for her, then I will endure it....somehow.  :)  I'm toying with the idea of having it posted somewhere in my delivery suite as a focal point.

Love endures all things.

Those four words bring up so many thoughts and so many tears.  The love of a mother for her children.  The love of a husband for his pregnant wife.  The love of God watching His son die.  The love of Jesus for his wandering followers.  Love endures all things...and still loves on the other side.  Love itself is the reason for enduring, the strength in endurance, and the joy that transforms pain.  How strong a force is love!!

As the second trimester winds down, I'm more and more reminded how REAL this is all getting.  Life is changing drastically.  I'm excited and terrified and in awe.  And more than a little moody. ;)  I'm grateful that we're now within the window of very good survival rates should premature birth occur.  I'm very much hoping to go up to or even past my due date (with my maternity leave plans!), but if I have learned anything throughout this year, it's that I don't control anything....so I guess we'll see!

My last little tid-bit is that we have finished our baby registry!  We decided to just go with Babies 'R' Us to make it simpler, and to take advantage of their rewards program that gives parents a gift card at the end with 5-10% "cash" back from all purchases made through the registry.  Pretty cool.  Granted, I balk at having all this "stuff" and tried to choose things that would be compact and portable for our little apartment -- but who knows!  If you feel like checking it out, you can here.  To answer a few FAQs:

- No, we're not decorating a nursery.  Little One will be sleeping in our room.  We only plan on being in this 1 bedroom apartment for a year after she's born, and then we'll deal with a nursery then.

- I'm currently obsessed with frog and monkey items...and foxes and lions.  But mostly frogs and monkeys.  Why?  I don't know, but I find them incredibly cute right now.

- Yes, I'll be breastfeeding, and planning on utilizing a pump when I go back to work, but we've also been advised to have a bit of formula on hand just in case.  I think it's good advice.

- Yes, I'm having at least one, maybe two, baby showers (which I'm not planning -- they're just telling me where and when!  And I'm not currently sure about either!) and I'm desperately missing my Va Beach friends for this special time.

- No, I'm not sure which diaper brand I'm going with; I'm a little nervous to decide without my baby here, hearing it's a lot of trial and error.  But I will never, never, never turn away diapers or wipes of any brand.

That's all I can think of right now.  I'm sure there are things I missed or "can't live without" that I have no clue about and things that I will discover later that I wish I had.  Gift cards are always handy for that, though, right??  ;)

Alright, my friends.  This post is long enough!  Until next time....!

25.5 Weeks - June 18, 2014

We're Having a Baby...

I still wake up every morning surprised to discover that I'm pregnant.  That rounded belly greets me with a little huff and puff as I struggle to sit up and re-orient myself to a body different than it felt in my dreams.  With all the crazy (seriously crazy) dreams pregnancy has thrown at me, I haven't consistently dreamed of me walking around with a pregnant body.

I have dreamed of:

• Having pink baby teeth that kept falling out  (nervous about a big {pink} change much?)
• My baby girl loving my mother more than me and demanding that she be her mother (nervous about being a mother much??)
• Giving birth to Thumbelina, fully "grown" yet tiny, and fully clothed (ummm....??)
• Having a baby girl who is purple and I name her "Naomi Marie" but she won't stay where I put her.  I decide I don't want her named after me anymore and that she's young enough that she won't mind if I change her name.  I then defend her from a poisonous cockroach.
• I tour a hospital, but horrible things keep happening - a car crash inside, a shoot-out, baby mix-ups, doctors leaving...

It's no wonder I have trouble sleeping!

We did actually tour the hospital where I'll deliver on Monday.  Incredibly surreal.  I kept thinking, "We're here because I am going to be giving birth to our BABY."   It's a very nice hospital with spacious, private, and even beautiful delivery suites - with (my favorite part) jacuzzi tubs in each room.  That's where I'll be!  The postpartum rooms are nice, a tad dated, but still spacious and private with a nice roll-a-way bed for Landon...and room service for me. I'm looking forward to that New York Strip on the menu.

The tour guide was super nice and oddly empowering.  She kept encouraging us to take charge of the delivery process and our environment.  Is it too bright?  You control the light switches -- even have them all off if needed, except for the two spotlights that aim at the bottom of the bed for the doctor to see.  My daughter born in the spotlight?  Seems fitting.  Is it too warm?  Change the temperature.  Don't feel chained to the bed.  Go for a walk, soak in the tub, sit on the birthing ball.  Don't feel pressured to wear the provided gown.  Bring your own clothes if you like.  You are not a sick person!  I appreciated it so much because I really do hate hospitals and doctors and everything that goes along with them (sorry, Bri!)!  Why are we going the hospital route, then?  Well, our insurance doesn't cover the midwife/birthing center route, plus when it comes down to it, if something were to go wrong, I want to feel assured that there are people who are equipped to handle it -- rather than sending us to a hospital in an ambulance.  Plus, I really like my doctor and she doesn't do birthing centers.  So there you have it. :)

The funniest part of the whole tour, though, was the silence of the group.  There were about 5 other expectant couples and, man alive, were they quiet!  We rode up in an elevator with 2 couples....silently.  Then Landon said, "Well, congratulations everyone!!"  We got a few half-hearted, almost-whispered responses, "Yeah...you, too...."  Then silence again.  Later, waiting for another elevator I asked one lady when she was due (she looked about my size).  "September."  "Oh, me, too!  The 28th!" I excitedly replied.  "Oh...I'm earlier than that," she said without looking at me.  Well!  Landon and I just laughed about it later.  She really couldn't say the 4th or the 12th or something??  I know due dates are flexible and only guesses, but I didn't realize they were secret!

                                                *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I've had quite the entertaining moments lately as my belly rounds up.

*At work a week or so ago, a fellow employee was at my desk.  She pointedly looked down at my belly, looked back up at me, and said, "Are you pregnant??"  I wanted to say, "Aren't you lucky I am???" But I actually said, "Yes, I am!"

*The other night Landon and I were getting dinner at Tokyo Joe's and the girl behind the counter says, "When are you due??"  I said, "September 28th."  She said, "I know that was a risk in asking that way, but you were rubbing your stomach."  Haha...what if I was just hungry....?  She then proceeded to give me advice on how to avoid stretch marks -- she knows because her sister has 6 kids and no stretch marks.

*Also at work, a fellow coworker I know and chat with, but don't know too well, made the effort to walk all the way around my desk (it's kind of big) and plop her hand right on my belly.  No permission, no warning, just me sitting in shock and waiting for it to be over.  She's super nice, but still...  There are three kinds of people -- the kind you know well and don't mind touching without asking, the kind you don't know and will never even think to touch without asking, and everyone else who thinks they fall into the first category.  Not even close.

*Then there was the girl at work who in the middle of our birthday celebration while I am getting 1, 2, 3 scoops of ice cream with my ice cream cookie sandwich, interrupts her conversation and mine to nearly shout in a room full of people, "OH MY GOSH -- YOU'RE STARTING TO SHOW!!!"  My eyebrows shot up and I smiled as much as I could and said, "Yes...I am..."  "OH MY GOSH -- IT'S SO CUTE!!!" Then she proceeded to turn to about five people around her and say, "Isn't it cute??  Don't you think it's cute???  I think it's cute!!  Isn't it cute???"  I grabbed my ice cream and scooted out of there.  Oh boy.  It doesn't help that whenever she walks by me, she says, "How's it goin', Mammio??"  Yeah....not my favorite.

But wanna see what IS my favorite??

Ultrasound - May 16, 2014

That little nose -- those little lips -- that shadowy little heart.  I'm so in love with this little person I haven't met yet!  And 1 John 3:1-2 comes to mind...and melts my heart.  I could get deep on this, but I think I'll save that for a "deep" post. :)

In other news -- I think I am finally starting to feel better.  FINALLY.  And I've gained 17 pounds in 5 months, so not too bad.  Apparently, right on track actually.  I'm 23.5 weeks along and getting more excited to meet this little dancer that rarely stays still.  I love knowing that she's a girl.  It somehow makes it all so much more real to me.  I'm dreaming of curls and names and ballet classes and having so much fun using "she" and "her" pronouns. 

Even though it feels more real, it's all still so surreal.  We keep turning to each other, saying in breathless awe and more than slight bewilderment, "We're having a baby...."  The greatest fun is all her acrobatic movements - feeling them, seeing them, and grabbing Landon's hand just in time for her to stop.  But then he talks to her and she starts right up again.  I'm hoping that once she's here his voice has the opposite effect and actually soothes her to sleep.  I can't imagine it won't; that man could sing me to sleep every night!  (um, in a good way...)

23.5 weeks is more than halfway.  Though summer just arrived, I must say I'm eager for autumn already.  For now, I'll just continue to wait and dream and be overwhelmed by Babies'R'Us (that's a different story!) and enjoy her little kicks and suffer through unwanted hands on my growing belly and eat ice cream whenever she wants it. ;)

23.5 Weeks - June 3, 2014

Tickled Pink!

I am tickled PINK!  And PURPLE!  And sparkles and tutus and ribbons and ruffles and flowers and Nancy Drew and butterflies!

If you haven't heard -- we're having a GIRL!

I still tear up every time I think of it (like right now).  A girl.  A soft, sweet, bright-eyed little princess.  I'm tickled pink.

And now I know why I STILL have morning sickness!

We debated long and hard whether we were going to find or not.  Every time I made up my mind, I decided against myself.  Then one night, I said, "I think I want to find out.  Yes. I do."  Landon said, "I still haven't decided."  A wave of horror spread over me as I realized, I am not the only one making this decision!  It took me a full 24 hours to relay that to him.

The debate raged on.  Well, actually, it was very amicable.  Mostly, it was a lot of me wavering and waffling.  And then came the "Well, how do we want to find out??"  Have the doctor write it down and put it in an envelope?  It was at this point that I really felt the distance of friends and family.  I just know Liz or Amanda or my mom would have created some special gender reveal moment for us.  But we're still mostly on our own here -- morning/all day sickness has torpedoed our social calendar.

Finally, the day of the ultrasound arrived.  I woke early with the thought, "I get to see my baby today!"  At work, I had to temper the bouncing in my chair whenever someone came around the corner.  I was so excited!  That, plus the rare bit of caffeine that I'm sufficiently weaned from and so highly react to!

On our way to the hospital, we were still figuring it out!  We signed in and I finally said, "Let's find out.  And let's have them tell us right away.  I don't need an envelope or any of that nonsense.  I just want to know!"  My dear husband agreed with me...and they called my name.

Seriously.  I was so excited.  The 2-3 minutes we had to wait while the tech went over my chart was agony.  I had to take off my bangle bracelets because every time I moved they jingled and it was causing my tension to rise.

She kindly asked if we wanted to find out and how and I eagerly answered, "YES!  And right now!"  She was fantastic.  You could tell she truly loved her job.  She made the experience so much fun...though I can't seem to remember her name.  Trina or something...

It was a good thing we decided on finding out right away because the first thing we saw was a nice view of...well, the parts that would tell us!  She said, "I usually wait until the end to find out gender, BUT it's right here and not at all shy about it....it's a girl!"  I think we just squeezed hands tight and laughed and looked at each other like we had just made the best thing in the world.  "A girl??  Are you sure? They told my parents I was a boy...."  "Oh, I am SURE," she said. "There is absolutely no doubt about it!"

Sigh.  One of the happiest moments of my life so far.  Happiest and completely mind blowing.

The rest of the ultrasound was so much fun.  Suddenly "it" had been replaced with "she" and "her".  We saw her feet and her hands and her very cool looking spine.  She has a good solid heartbeat and well-developing brain.  The only thing we couldn't really get a good look at was her face.  We got a glimpse of her profile and finally a bit of lip and nose, but she stubbornly refused to look away from my spine despite all the poking and pushing and general disruption of her happy little home.  Except for that, the tech told us she was the most cooperative baby she'd had all week.  That's my girl! 

The tech left to get the doctor and we just sat there (well, I was still laying down) and just soaked it in.  A girl.  We're having a girl.  A daughter.  Landon's face was glowing.  It was like I could see his heart swelling, as I'm sure he could see in my face, too. 

The doctor came in, confirmed that she was doing well, got a few more pictures of her heart, and left.  We left with our treasure trove of photos of little feet and a dvd that recorded her heartbeat and her delightful movements.  Certainly something to treasure forever.

Immediately upon leaving we set our course for Target.  Now that I knew who Little One is, I had to shop!  And oh was it fun!  And slightly overwhelming, too!  So many cute little clothes.  I ooohed and aaaahhed over them, my bounce showed up again, and I held up everything I thought was adorable for Landon to voice approval.  Of course, then I noticed he was filming me with an amused twinkle in his eye.  I was beyond caring. ;)  I was shopping for my daughter!

We (okay, I) decided on a set of onesies - one with a ballerina monkey saying, "Daddy's Girl", another with lots of little dancing monkeys, and one covered in pointe shoes.  Because of course.  We also found a little three-piece outfit (jacket, onesie, and leggings) that says "Mommy's Little Dancer" (pictured above), also because of course. 

When we arrived home, we decided to not let our mothers wait in agonizing suspense any longer.  They were both so eager to know...and yet so patient.  Not even one text begging to know! :)

We set up my phone on the right and Landon's on the left and facetimed both at once.  The similarities of what happened next are awesome.  Dads were on the left, moms on the right.  We held up two balloons - one pink, one blue -- and said that only one would inflate.  We blew them up and of course, only the pink inflated (I let Landon have that one because I knew I couldn't keep a straight face long enough to actually blow up a balloon!).  Both moms started clapping their hands and jumping up and down, squealing.  Both dads had hands on their hips, grinning, beaming, tearing up, and saying, "A girl!"  Then both moms said, "I can't wait to go shopping!!!"  Hahaha.  I love it.

Both sides of the family are boy-heavy, so how fun to add a girl to the mix!  Especially my side with Matt and Erin having 4 boys.  The Pointers needed a girl. :)

We are thrilled.  Absolute so excited.  I think I'm a little relieved, too, because I feel much better equipped to mother a girl than a boy at this point.  I keep having moments of realization about her.  I'm going to be the one giving the sex-talk on this one.  She's going to have hair I can braid!  Landon can take her on daddy-daughter dates!  And then the funniest one, she's going to have breasts!  To which Landon replied, "Which NO ONE will EVER touch!"  Hahaha.  I was thinking about training bra shopping, but okay, that, too. ;)

We posted on facebook to let people know our discovery, which I felt a little lame about, but honestly, the impatience won out.  I had tried to come up with some super clever (Pinteresty?) way to "tell the world" (oh how I miss my photographer friends!), but truly, I've been stripping back some of that "need" to have every moment be photo-worthy.  I blame my theatrical side.  But seriously, can't a special moment just be a special moment without over-thinking and over-designing it?  I have absolutely nothing against telling a cute, fun story with photos.  I love it.  I'm jealous of it.  And in this season, though it's the perfect season for it all, I'm learning to let it go and just enjoy the moments and treasure the memories as only I can -- not as how I "need" the world to see it.  That being said, I AM still hoping against hope that Devon can come out and take newborn photos!  (I love her newborn work!)

So!  We're having a girl!  And now you're wondering about her name, right??  Well.  Though I couldn't wait to tell you her gender, we will be waiting until she is born to announce her name. :)  But I can tell you that it will be a very specifically chosen, well-thought out name, because we're word people and the meaning of a word/name is very important to us.

And now -- let the registering and shopping commence!

A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

20.5 weeks - May 15, 2014

Hear My Song

Before you start reading, open the link to this song* in another tab and let it be your background music. :)

I can't listen to it without crying these days, though granted, everything makes me cry these days.

A co-worker stopped by my desk the other day to see how I was feeling, and asked, "Have you started singing to the baby yet??"  I laughed a little, and replied, "Well, it was onstage with me for the last four weekends as I sang in Into the Woods!  And Landon sings to it all the time."  But it got me thinking...

I haven't really.  Not yet.  Understandable, as my time is spent at work or feeling sick at home, and people would look askance at a singing receptionist (or maybe I could add that to my job description?!) and when you feel sick, singing isn't really on the top of your list.  At least it isn't on the top of mine.

Her question makes me tear up when it echoes in my mind.  Little One obviously responds to our voices - singing or otherwise.  Landon has been able to make it move by talking or singing since week 10, and now that we're approaching week 20 (Sunday!), he can feel the response, too.  During the last Saturday performance of Into the Woods, I was singing the sad song -- "No One is Alone" -- that has lyrics about mother not being here anymore and oh boy!  Little One was SO active throughout.  I had to fight back a smile (I should have been crying.  The one time my pregnancy hormones would not work for me!) and the urge to stop and say, "No, no!  I'm here; I'm not leaving.  Mother is here."  And THEN I wanted to cry.

I miss my mom.  A lot.  The distance from Colorado to Michigan is terrible.  It feels even further away the more my belly rounds and my thoughts become more and more like a mom's.  I suppose that's natural.  The closer to motherhood I get, the further from childhood I move, and yet all I want is to be my mother's child....and hear her sing over me.

My entire childhood was characterized by my mother singing.  I fell asleep to her playing the piano, a warm blanket of music that assured me she was there.  Everyday tasks and activities had their own little song that would have made Snow White proud.  It was just our way of life.

I obviously went into musical theatre honestly.

Mom (and me!) - June, 1986

Our regular UPS delivery guy at work asked me yesterday, "So, I keep delivering flowers for Mother's Day this week and it got me thinking, are you considered a mother already?"  I proudly decided, "Yes, I am!"  After all, I'm carrying and caring for and loving this child, and if (God forbid!) something were to happen and it didn't come to term, I would still consider myself a mother and grieve as such.

That was two days after it had already hit me hard -- I'm going to be a MOM.

I'm glad I have a good one.

Are you listening to the song I posted at the top?  I was singing it last night as I was heating up our Rainy Day Soup, and I kept getting choked up.  I sit in the middle of mothering and needing to be mothered (which will never change, right?) and I hear this song from both sides....words to be sung over my baby and words my mother sings over me.  The ending is particularly hard for me to get past the tears enough to warble a melody:

Listen to the song that I sing
Listen to the words in my heart
Listen to the hope I can bring
And you'll start to grow
And shine
Listen to the song that I sing
And trust me...
We'll be fine.

There's hope in there, isn't there?  This legacy of mothering that gets passed down from generations in songs and words and love.  It all adds up to growth and hope and trust.  I realize that's not true for everyone, but I think I can confidently say it's what we at least long for in a mother.

And someone is going to long for that from me.

I'm daunted. 

But again, I have a good one, so I'm not terribly daunted. :)

Mom (and me!) - Dec. 24, 1986

I had a revelation the other day that I've been keeping close to my heart, but I'm willing to share now.  I'm more accepting of this pregnancy now, though I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but I certainly wasn't to begin with.  If you didn't know by now, we did not plan this.  In fact, I had my year pretty well planned out!  I'm not a huge fan of my plans getting disrupted, like, ever.  I spent many tears lamenting a life change that I felt was pushed on me/us.  Hormonal tears, yes, but also stubborn tears.  Am I 100% over that feeling?  No.  But I'm closer.  Especially as Little One continues to greet us through my belly.  But to get to the "revelation"...

I was chosen to have this child.

Not planning and hoping for it makes the choice feel all the more intentional.  Now was the appointed time for this child to be here.  I certainly didn't feel as accepting as Mary did, but I'm not bearing the Christ child.  BUT -- enter revelation -- I was chosen to have a child that may very well reflect Christ to someone somewhere some time in a way that only he/she can.

....I'm still pondering it....

It's....I'm not sure...something akin to intimidating, honoring, and exciting all at the same time.

I will continue to ponder.

But lie in my arms while you're sleeping
And think of the rivers you've crossed
I'll tell you the dreams I've been keeping
For moments like this
When your hope is lost

Amazing how much we depend on our mothers.  For warmth, for life, for hope.  To remind us of truth we've forgotten.

It reminds me of someone else, too.  I think I know where us mothers get it from.

The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I'm glad that's where we get it from. :)

It's why we allow our bodies to drastically change, why we cry over certain songs, why we wake up in the middle of the night, why we pray.   And I've barely become part of this "we".

Mother's Day is Sunday.  I will spend it FaceTiming with my mother and mother-in-love, and rubbing my belly while singing to my Little One, storing up one dream after another.

Happy Mother's Day!

18.5 weeks - April 30, 2014

*Hear My Song, from Songs for a New World by Jason Robert Brown (only one of the best shows ever from one of the best composers ever!)