We're Having a Baby...

I still wake up every morning surprised to discover that I'm pregnant.  That rounded belly greets me with a little huff and puff as I struggle to sit up and re-orient myself to a body different than it felt in my dreams.  With all the crazy (seriously crazy) dreams pregnancy has thrown at me, I haven't consistently dreamed of me walking around with a pregnant body.

I have dreamed of:

• Having pink baby teeth that kept falling out  (nervous about a big {pink} change much?)
• My baby girl loving my mother more than me and demanding that she be her mother (nervous about being a mother much??)
• Giving birth to Thumbelina, fully "grown" yet tiny, and fully clothed (ummm....??)
• Having a baby girl who is purple and I name her "Naomi Marie" but she won't stay where I put her.  I decide I don't want her named after me anymore and that she's young enough that she won't mind if I change her name.  I then defend her from a poisonous cockroach.
• I tour a hospital, but horrible things keep happening - a car crash inside, a shoot-out, baby mix-ups, doctors leaving...

It's no wonder I have trouble sleeping!

We did actually tour the hospital where I'll deliver on Monday.  Incredibly surreal.  I kept thinking, "We're here because I am going to be giving birth to our BABY."   It's a very nice hospital with spacious, private, and even beautiful delivery suites - with (my favorite part) jacuzzi tubs in each room.  That's where I'll be!  The postpartum rooms are nice, a tad dated, but still spacious and private with a nice roll-a-way bed for Landon...and room service for me. I'm looking forward to that New York Strip on the menu.

The tour guide was super nice and oddly empowering.  She kept encouraging us to take charge of the delivery process and our environment.  Is it too bright?  You control the light switches -- even have them all off if needed, except for the two spotlights that aim at the bottom of the bed for the doctor to see.  My daughter born in the spotlight?  Seems fitting.  Is it too warm?  Change the temperature.  Don't feel chained to the bed.  Go for a walk, soak in the tub, sit on the birthing ball.  Don't feel pressured to wear the provided gown.  Bring your own clothes if you like.  You are not a sick person!  I appreciated it so much because I really do hate hospitals and doctors and everything that goes along with them (sorry, Bri!)!  Why are we going the hospital route, then?  Well, our insurance doesn't cover the midwife/birthing center route, plus when it comes down to it, if something were to go wrong, I want to feel assured that there are people who are equipped to handle it -- rather than sending us to a hospital in an ambulance.  Plus, I really like my doctor and she doesn't do birthing centers.  So there you have it. :)

The funniest part of the whole tour, though, was the silence of the group.  There were about 5 other expectant couples and, man alive, were they quiet!  We rode up in an elevator with 2 couples....silently.  Then Landon said, "Well, congratulations everyone!!"  We got a few half-hearted, almost-whispered responses, "Yeah...you, too...."  Then silence again.  Later, waiting for another elevator I asked one lady when she was due (she looked about my size).  "September."  "Oh, me, too!  The 28th!" I excitedly replied.  "Oh...I'm earlier than that," she said without looking at me.  Well!  Landon and I just laughed about it later.  She really couldn't say the 4th or the 12th or something??  I know due dates are flexible and only guesses, but I didn't realize they were secret!

                                                *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I've had quite the entertaining moments lately as my belly rounds up.

*At work a week or so ago, a fellow employee was at my desk.  She pointedly looked down at my belly, looked back up at me, and said, "Are you pregnant??"  I wanted to say, "Aren't you lucky I am???" But I actually said, "Yes, I am!"

*The other night Landon and I were getting dinner at Tokyo Joe's and the girl behind the counter says, "When are you due??"  I said, "September 28th."  She said, "I know that was a risk in asking that way, but you were rubbing your stomach."  Haha...what if I was just hungry....?  She then proceeded to give me advice on how to avoid stretch marks -- she knows because her sister has 6 kids and no stretch marks.

*Also at work, a fellow coworker I know and chat with, but don't know too well, made the effort to walk all the way around my desk (it's kind of big) and plop her hand right on my belly.  No permission, no warning, just me sitting in shock and waiting for it to be over.  She's super nice, but still...  There are three kinds of people -- the kind you know well and don't mind touching without asking, the kind you don't know and will never even think to touch without asking, and everyone else who thinks they fall into the first category.  Not even close.

*Then there was the girl at work who in the middle of our birthday celebration while I am getting 1, 2, 3 scoops of ice cream with my ice cream cookie sandwich, interrupts her conversation and mine to nearly shout in a room full of people, "OH MY GOSH -- YOU'RE STARTING TO SHOW!!!"  My eyebrows shot up and I smiled as much as I could and said, "Yes...I am..."  "OH MY GOSH -- IT'S SO CUTE!!!" Then she proceeded to turn to about five people around her and say, "Isn't it cute??  Don't you think it's cute???  I think it's cute!!  Isn't it cute???"  I grabbed my ice cream and scooted out of there.  Oh boy.  It doesn't help that whenever she walks by me, she says, "How's it goin', Mammio??"  Yeah....not my favorite.

But wanna see what IS my favorite??

Ultrasound - May 16, 2014

That little nose -- those little lips -- that shadowy little heart.  I'm so in love with this little person I haven't met yet!  And 1 John 3:1-2 comes to mind...and melts my heart.  I could get deep on this, but I think I'll save that for a "deep" post. :)

In other news -- I think I am finally starting to feel better.  FINALLY.  And I've gained 17 pounds in 5 months, so not too bad.  Apparently, right on track actually.  I'm 23.5 weeks along and getting more excited to meet this little dancer that rarely stays still.  I love knowing that she's a girl.  It somehow makes it all so much more real to me.  I'm dreaming of curls and names and ballet classes and having so much fun using "she" and "her" pronouns. 

Even though it feels more real, it's all still so surreal.  We keep turning to each other, saying in breathless awe and more than slight bewilderment, "We're having a baby...."  The greatest fun is all her acrobatic movements - feeling them, seeing them, and grabbing Landon's hand just in time for her to stop.  But then he talks to her and she starts right up again.  I'm hoping that once she's here his voice has the opposite effect and actually soothes her to sleep.  I can't imagine it won't; that man could sing me to sleep every night!  (um, in a good way...)

23.5 weeks is more than halfway.  Though summer just arrived, I must say I'm eager for autumn already.  For now, I'll just continue to wait and dream and be overwhelmed by Babies'R'Us (that's a different story!) and enjoy her little kicks and suffer through unwanted hands on my growing belly and eat ice cream whenever she wants it. ;)

23.5 Weeks - June 3, 2014

Tickled Pink!

I am tickled PINK!  And PURPLE!  And sparkles and tutus and ribbons and ruffles and flowers and Nancy Drew and butterflies!

If you haven't heard -- we're having a GIRL!

I still tear up every time I think of it (like right now).  A girl.  A soft, sweet, bright-eyed little princess.  I'm tickled pink.

And now I know why I STILL have morning sickness!

We debated long and hard whether we were going to find or not.  Every time I made up my mind, I decided against myself.  Then one night, I said, "I think I want to find out.  Yes. I do."  Landon said, "I still haven't decided."  A wave of horror spread over me as I realized, I am not the only one making this decision!  It took me a full 24 hours to relay that to him.

The debate raged on.  Well, actually, it was very amicable.  Mostly, it was a lot of me wavering and waffling.  And then came the "Well, how do we want to find out??"  Have the doctor write it down and put it in an envelope?  It was at this point that I really felt the distance of friends and family.  I just know Liz or Amanda or my mom would have created some special gender reveal moment for us.  But we're still mostly on our own here -- morning/all day sickness has torpedoed our social calendar.

Finally, the day of the ultrasound arrived.  I woke early with the thought, "I get to see my baby today!"  At work, I had to temper the bouncing in my chair whenever someone came around the corner.  I was so excited!  That, plus the rare bit of caffeine that I'm sufficiently weaned from and so highly react to!

On our way to the hospital, we were still figuring it out!  We signed in and I finally said, "Let's find out.  And let's have them tell us right away.  I don't need an envelope or any of that nonsense.  I just want to know!"  My dear husband agreed with me...and they called my name.

Seriously.  I was so excited.  The 2-3 minutes we had to wait while the tech went over my chart was agony.  I had to take off my bangle bracelets because every time I moved they jingled and it was causing my tension to rise.

She kindly asked if we wanted to find out and how and I eagerly answered, "YES!  And right now!"  She was fantastic.  You could tell she truly loved her job.  She made the experience so much fun...though I can't seem to remember her name.  Trina or something...

It was a good thing we decided on finding out right away because the first thing we saw was a nice view of...well, the parts that would tell us!  She said, "I usually wait until the end to find out gender, BUT it's right here and not at all shy about it....it's a girl!"  I think we just squeezed hands tight and laughed and looked at each other like we had just made the best thing in the world.  "A girl??  Are you sure? They told my parents I was a boy...."  "Oh, I am SURE," she said. "There is absolutely no doubt about it!"

Sigh.  One of the happiest moments of my life so far.  Happiest and completely mind blowing.

The rest of the ultrasound was so much fun.  Suddenly "it" had been replaced with "she" and "her".  We saw her feet and her hands and her very cool looking spine.  She has a good solid heartbeat and well-developing brain.  The only thing we couldn't really get a good look at was her face.  We got a glimpse of her profile and finally a bit of lip and nose, but she stubbornly refused to look away from my spine despite all the poking and pushing and general disruption of her happy little home.  Except for that, the tech told us she was the most cooperative baby she'd had all week.  That's my girl! 

The tech left to get the doctor and we just sat there (well, I was still laying down) and just soaked it in.  A girl.  We're having a girl.  A daughter.  Landon's face was glowing.  It was like I could see his heart swelling, as I'm sure he could see in my face, too. 

The doctor came in, confirmed that she was doing well, got a few more pictures of her heart, and left.  We left with our treasure trove of photos of little feet and a dvd that recorded her heartbeat and her delightful movements.  Certainly something to treasure forever.

Immediately upon leaving we set our course for Target.  Now that I knew who Little One is, I had to shop!  And oh was it fun!  And slightly overwhelming, too!  So many cute little clothes.  I ooohed and aaaahhed over them, my bounce showed up again, and I held up everything I thought was adorable for Landon to voice approval.  Of course, then I noticed he was filming me with an amused twinkle in his eye.  I was beyond caring. ;)  I was shopping for my daughter!

We (okay, I) decided on a set of onesies - one with a ballerina monkey saying, "Daddy's Girl", another with lots of little dancing monkeys, and one covered in pointe shoes.  Because of course.  We also found a little three-piece outfit (jacket, onesie, and leggings) that says "Mommy's Little Dancer" (pictured above), also because of course. 

When we arrived home, we decided to not let our mothers wait in agonizing suspense any longer.  They were both so eager to know...and yet so patient.  Not even one text begging to know! :)

We set up my phone on the right and Landon's on the left and facetimed both at once.  The similarities of what happened next are awesome.  Dads were on the left, moms on the right.  We held up two balloons - one pink, one blue -- and said that only one would inflate.  We blew them up and of course, only the pink inflated (I let Landon have that one because I knew I couldn't keep a straight face long enough to actually blow up a balloon!).  Both moms started clapping their hands and jumping up and down, squealing.  Both dads had hands on their hips, grinning, beaming, tearing up, and saying, "A girl!"  Then both moms said, "I can't wait to go shopping!!!"  Hahaha.  I love it.

Both sides of the family are boy-heavy, so how fun to add a girl to the mix!  Especially my side with Matt and Erin having 4 boys.  The Pointers needed a girl. :)

We are thrilled.  Absolute so excited.  I think I'm a little relieved, too, because I feel much better equipped to mother a girl than a boy at this point.  I keep having moments of realization about her.  I'm going to be the one giving the sex-talk on this one.  She's going to have hair I can braid!  Landon can take her on daddy-daughter dates!  And then the funniest one, she's going to have breasts!  To which Landon replied, "Which NO ONE will EVER touch!"  Hahaha.  I was thinking about training bra shopping, but okay, that, too. ;)

We posted on facebook to let people know our discovery, which I felt a little lame about, but honestly, the impatience won out.  I had tried to come up with some super clever (Pinteresty?) way to "tell the world" (oh how I miss my photographer friends!), but truly, I've been stripping back some of that "need" to have every moment be photo-worthy.  I blame my theatrical side.  But seriously, can't a special moment just be a special moment without over-thinking and over-designing it?  I have absolutely nothing against telling a cute, fun story with photos.  I love it.  I'm jealous of it.  And in this season, though it's the perfect season for it all, I'm learning to let it go and just enjoy the moments and treasure the memories as only I can -- not as how I "need" the world to see it.  That being said, I AM still hoping against hope that Devon can come out and take newborn photos!  (I love her newborn work!)

So!  We're having a girl!  And now you're wondering about her name, right??  Well.  Though I couldn't wait to tell you her gender, we will be waiting until she is born to announce her name. :)  But I can tell you that it will be a very specifically chosen, well-thought out name, because we're word people and the meaning of a word/name is very important to us.

And now -- let the registering and shopping commence!

A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

20.5 weeks - May 15, 2014

Hear My Song

Before you start reading, open the link to this song* in another tab and let it be your background music. :)

I can't listen to it without crying these days, though granted, everything makes me cry these days.

A co-worker stopped by my desk the other day to see how I was feeling, and asked, "Have you started singing to the baby yet??"  I laughed a little, and replied, "Well, it was onstage with me for the last four weekends as I sang in Into the Woods!  And Landon sings to it all the time."  But it got me thinking...

I haven't really.  Not yet.  Understandable, as my time is spent at work or feeling sick at home, and people would look askance at a singing receptionist (or maybe I could add that to my job description?!) and when you feel sick, singing isn't really on the top of your list.  At least it isn't on the top of mine.

Her question makes me tear up when it echoes in my mind.  Little One obviously responds to our voices - singing or otherwise.  Landon has been able to make it move by talking or singing since week 10, and now that we're approaching week 20 (Sunday!), he can feel the response, too.  During the last Saturday performance of Into the Woods, I was singing the sad song -- "No One is Alone" -- that has lyrics about mother not being here anymore and oh boy!  Little One was SO active throughout.  I had to fight back a smile (I should have been crying.  The one time my pregnancy hormones would not work for me!) and the urge to stop and say, "No, no!  I'm here; I'm not leaving.  Mother is here."  And THEN I wanted to cry.

I miss my mom.  A lot.  The distance from Colorado to Michigan is terrible.  It feels even further away the more my belly rounds and my thoughts become more and more like a mom's.  I suppose that's natural.  The closer to motherhood I get, the further from childhood I move, and yet all I want is to be my mother's child....and hear her sing over me.

My entire childhood was characterized by my mother singing.  I fell asleep to her playing the piano, a warm blanket of music that assured me she was there.  Everyday tasks and activities had their own little song that would have made Snow White proud.  It was just our way of life.

I obviously went into musical theatre honestly.

Mom (and me!) - June, 1986

Our regular UPS delivery guy at work asked me yesterday, "So, I keep delivering flowers for Mother's Day this week and it got me thinking, are you considered a mother already?"  I proudly decided, "Yes, I am!"  After all, I'm carrying and caring for and loving this child, and if (God forbid!) something were to happen and it didn't come to term, I would still consider myself a mother and grieve as such.

That was two days after it had already hit me hard -- I'm going to be a MOM.

I'm glad I have a good one.

Are you listening to the song I posted at the top?  I was singing it last night as I was heating up our Rainy Day Soup, and I kept getting choked up.  I sit in the middle of mothering and needing to be mothered (which will never change, right?) and I hear this song from both sides....words to be sung over my baby and words my mother sings over me.  The ending is particularly hard for me to get past the tears enough to warble a melody:

Listen to the song that I sing
Listen to the words in my heart
Listen to the hope I can bring
And you'll start to grow
And shine
Listen to the song that I sing
And trust me...
We'll be fine.

There's hope in there, isn't there?  This legacy of mothering that gets passed down from generations in songs and words and love.  It all adds up to growth and hope and trust.  I realize that's not true for everyone, but I think I can confidently say it's what we at least long for in a mother.

And someone is going to long for that from me.

I'm daunted. 

But again, I have a good one, so I'm not terribly daunted. :)

Mom (and me!) - Dec. 24, 1986

I had a revelation the other day that I've been keeping close to my heart, but I'm willing to share now.  I'm more accepting of this pregnancy now, though I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but I certainly wasn't to begin with.  If you didn't know by now, we did not plan this.  In fact, I had my year pretty well planned out!  I'm not a huge fan of my plans getting disrupted, like, ever.  I spent many tears lamenting a life change that I felt was pushed on me/us.  Hormonal tears, yes, but also stubborn tears.  Am I 100% over that feeling?  No.  But I'm closer.  Especially as Little One continues to greet us through my belly.  But to get to the "revelation"...

I was chosen to have this child.

Not planning and hoping for it makes the choice feel all the more intentional.  Now was the appointed time for this child to be here.  I certainly didn't feel as accepting as Mary did, but I'm not bearing the Christ child.  BUT -- enter revelation -- I was chosen to have a child that may very well reflect Christ to someone somewhere some time in a way that only he/she can.

....I'm still pondering it....

It's....I'm not sure...something akin to intimidating, honoring, and exciting all at the same time.

I will continue to ponder.

But lie in my arms while you're sleeping
And think of the rivers you've crossed
I'll tell you the dreams I've been keeping
For moments like this
When your hope is lost

Amazing how much we depend on our mothers.  For warmth, for life, for hope.  To remind us of truth we've forgotten.

It reminds me of someone else, too.  I think I know where us mothers get it from.

The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I'm glad that's where we get it from. :)

It's why we allow our bodies to drastically change, why we cry over certain songs, why we wake up in the middle of the night, why we pray.   And I've barely become part of this "we".

Mother's Day is Sunday.  I will spend it FaceTiming with my mother and mother-in-love, and rubbing my belly while singing to my Little One, storing up one dream after another.

Happy Mother's Day!

18.5 weeks - April 30, 2014

*Hear My Song, from Songs for a New World by Jason Robert Brown (only one of the best shows ever from one of the best composers ever!)

Sondheim + Pregnancy Brain = ?

"I wish..."

My two most spoken/sung lines repeat over and over in my head as I prepare for another weekend of performances.  Playing Cinderella in "Into the Woods" has been an absolute delight - a dream role fulfilled.  But it has had its challenges.

Have you ever listened to anything Stephen Sondheim has written?  Beautiful.

Have you ever read the sheet music?  Complicated stuff.

Have you ever tried to memorize it while pregnant??  Nearly impossible.

I personally sing the phrase "Into the woods" 28 times with different words following it each time.  There are 12 other times when it's repeated at the end of a song, but TWENTY EIGHT different times that I have to remember what comes next -- with the SAME cue.  I'm pretty sure Little Red Ridinghood has a few extras that I don't, so I'm grateful for my role.  But let me tell you, Sondheim and pregnancy brain do not get along.

Each performance, the show has been getting better and more fun, but I have to constantly look over my lines and lyrics backstage to make sure it's all sticking.  Memorization usually comes quite easily to me, but those brain cells I've lost while making a human have reversed that fact.  Sometimes I just stop singing during a chorus number, knowing that my flubbed up lyrics aren't helping, hoping that someone else is getting it right (and getting a bonus solo, maybe??).

But, all things considered, it has made for some silly stories.

Opening night, I was so eager to get onstage and start the show and pre-set two props -- one that I had never pre-set before -- that I walked right out without the prop that I actually needed to be using!  Thankfully, I was entering in a blackout, so I turned and ran offstage whispering "Hold! Hold!" as I grabbed my rag and ran back onstage.  It worked out fine, but I felt bad for those waiting onstage in the dark.

During our very first full run rehearsal of the show, I completely blanked out on words I knew well.  Why?  Because it was the first time I was actually using the aforementioned prop.  The show opens with me on the floor, scrubbing, while the narrator introduces Cinderella as I intermittently sing about my wishes.  "Once upon a time!"and seven beats later I sing, "I wish!"  Except this time, I was so into scrubbing the floor, thinking, "I'm scrubbing the floor!  It's getting clean!"  (Oh, inner monologues...) that I didn't sing a note.  The narrator kept going, the music kept playing, and I'm just scrubbing away.  And then I realize....something is missing.  It's me!  I looked up in horror towards the director who was just looking at me expectantly like I had lost my mind.  Our first run and I botched the opening 30 seconds.  We just stopped and started over...this time with a little less focus on the joys of scrubbing.

Thankfully, my costumes still fit and even camouflage my growing belly.  It's anyone's bet, though, if they will all the way through this weekend and next.  I've had to get creative with staying comfortable.  Not all ball gowns are comfortable (are any??), and while mine is pretty, it weighs heavy on this baby bump of mine.  The second I'm offstage I'm unzipping the skirt and untying the crinoline.  One night I even pulled my tights down around my thighs for some relief.  I made a few people accountable for reminding me to pull them up before I went onstage and tripped all over myself.  I thought I had more photos of my costumes, but I'll have to take more this weekend, so content yourself with this one:

That was two weeks ago. :)  Pregnant Cinderella....that changes the story, eh?

I'll tell you what, Little One is going to have RHYTHM.  He/she has already accompanied me through learning songs that mix 2/4, 3/4, 4/4, 3/2, 6/8, 9/8, and 12/8 like a schizophrenic cocktail creator.  Oh for a time signature that stays consistent!!

In other news, we had a doctor's appointment last Friday.  Pretty uneventful, but we did finally get to hear Little One's heartbeat.  Music to my ears.  It was strong, healthy, and in the 140's, so go ahead and tell me what I'm having based on that (girl, right?). I'm also eating all day long (boy?) and still battling morning sickness (girl?) but only in the morning, thankfully, (boy?).  So your guess is as good as mine.

We have our last ultrasound in 3 weeks where we could potentially find out the gender, but we're still going back and forth on that.  STILL.  Every time I settle on one or the other, I decide against it.  I don't want to just get yellow baby things (find out!), but I love surprises (don't find out!), but I'm impatient (find out!), but I'm old fashioned (don't find out!).  So there you have it.  I also blame pregnancy brain for this. ;)  There are times I'm absolutely certain it's a boy, and others I just know it's a girl.  I'm just hoping the ultrasound only reveals ONE baby.  We've only seen and heard one so far, but apparently it's not uncommon to miss the twin before 20 weeks.  Given the fact that my brother has twins....well, I'm really hoping to only have one!!

At the appointment on Friday, they discovered that I haven't gained any weight yet.  WHAT??  Have you seen my belly popping out??  They aren't concerned (and frankly, I don't think they took my weight correctly the first two times...they need a digital scale) since everything else is on track.  I'm pretty sure this first time around it's just going to be all baby anyway.  I don't think my weight has changed since my freshman year of college despite eating whatever whenever (don't hate!).  And now I'm eating for two and apparently not gaining still.  I know, I know.  It will all change.

I'm loving my baby bump and making every effort to emphasize it.  Now that spring is here, it's so wonderful to break out the skirts and bright colors.  I'm pretty sure Little One loved the freedom of the flowy dress I wore on Monday because it was fluttering almost nonstop all day.

The right photo was 15 weeks, and the left is 17.5 weeks.  I'm trying to figure out why the later one looks smaller (I swear I'm not losing weight!!), but my wise husband pointed out that I'm wearing a tighter skirt in that one.

I am happy to announce that it has been 1 week and 2 days since I have felt absolutely wretched.  I'm definitely hoping it lasts!

As my closing story, I must share how silly I was yesterday.  I swore early on that I was not going to be a silly worrier, freaking out over every little thing, but yesterday I was...concerned.  I have been getting the hiccups every day, multiple times a day, and they are painful and annoying.  I did a little Google research to see if they were just one of those silly symptoms of pregnancy.  I found out very little -- yes they are because your muscles are more relaxed (tell that to my shoulders!), yes they are because pregnant women breathe more frequently, yes but sex will cure them.  None of it was from credible sources...and neither was the horrifying comment board I found.  Someone asked the exact question I was, and the answers??  Terrifying.  Hiccups are a bad sign, there's something wrong with the baby, my wife told her doctor about her hiccups but he couldn't do anything and she miscarried two weeks later, etc, etc, etc.  WHAT??  I immediately called my doctor and left a message with the receptionist, fully knowing how ridiculous I sounded.  My doctor called me back (thankfully) and through a bit of laughter told me that she has never before heard of such a thing and that I'm perfectly fine (no bleeding, spotting, cramping), and not to worry.  So I sighed and felt silly and relieved and then giggled as I told Landon about it all, who was very kind and didn't laugh at me.  :)

So my question for you is, what silly thing freaked you out the most during your pregnancy??  I'm still wrapping my head around a human growing in my belly, by the way.  But I love it to pieces.

Farewell for now!  It's back into the woods for me tonight!  If you're in the area, check out www.thecurtainplayhouse.com for tickets and showtimes.  You don't want to miss this prego Cinderella!

"I wish!"

A New Trimester

I'm wearing the prettiest new scarf today that I couldn't resist buying while at Target last week.  It's soft pink blending into white with delicate flowers that whisper spring.  I need spring these days, even if it's only around my neck.

We were at Target shopping for -- elastic.  My long-suffering husband waited as I tried on way-too-big, way-too-small, and just right elastic-waist pants.  That's right!  I'm sporting the elastic waists these days.  And loving it.  I'm so much more comfortable with that extra bit of room.  We also invested in a belly band, making my pre-prego pants wearable for awhile yet.  I giggle with the secret that my pants are really unbuttoned all day.

But I think you would agree with me that I need the extra room:

14 weeks and we have a bump!

That's a new shirt, too, and I'm excited about it because it's a "9 month shirt", so technically it should fit throughout the whole pregnancy and grow with me, making it my unofficial baby bump photo shirt unless I decide otherwise. ;)

I never thought I'd be excited about my expanding figure, but there is a part of me that says, "Come on!  Show more!  Look pregnant already!!"  It's a small part, though, because Rational Me knows that the sooner I grow, the longer I carry that weight around!  I can wait for the weight.

It's been a while since I blogged because I've been too sick to even think about it; coping with The Quease has taken all my energy.  I'm very much hoping that now that I've hit the second trimester it will magically go away.  I've heard from several ladies that they woke up one morning and *poof* it was gone.  I'm waiting for that morning....please be tomorrow!!

So let's catch up...

My cravings have been ALL. OVER. the place.  Cravings are funny, aren't they?  They aren't temptations to be naughty with your diet (i.e. "Mmmm, that chocolate cake looks good...I should have a piece, but I really shouldn't!").  No, no.  Cravings, at least my pregnancy cravings, are intense demands that must be met immediately or the world is going to end.  And when they aren't able to be met immediately, I mourn.  It's the only word to accurately describe that feeling.  I mourn for the end of the world.

The most intense craving I've experienced so far was only barely met.  I wanted a chicken salad sandwich.  But not just any chicken salad sandwich.  A chicken salad sandwich from Wawa.  Yes, a gas station.  If you've never been there, don't judge.  It's like nothing you've ever experienced by way of gas stations.  This particular sandwich had to have ranch, parmesan, vinegar, green peppers, pickles, lettuce, and sweet peppers.  And it had to be from Wawa.  Problem?  I'm not in Virginia anymore.  End. Of. The. World.

I spent 2+ hours scouring the internet and making phone calls to local cafes and sandwich shops.  Guess what?  Jimmy John's does not have chicken salad.  Nor does Subway.  Scratch off the two closest places to work.  Corner Bakery puts walnuts and grapes in theirs (no, thank you!).  Snarf's is just chicken and mayo.  Same with Which Wich and they are too far away anyway.

But then -- I found it.

Fat Jack's Subs, independently owned, makes a Dixie Chicken Salad.  Dixie=Virginia=Wawa in my book.  Plus, they advertised it as having "special, secret sauces."  Sold.  I know Wawa does not just use mayo.  30 minutes later it was mine, delivered to my desk!  Chicken salad, lettuce, cucumbers, oil and vinegar, banana peppers, green peppers, and ranch.  So not exactly what I wanted, but so darn close.  And yes, the whole ordeal was indeed worth sharing with you.  Don't mess with cravings, man.

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Enough about me -- you want to hear about Little One.  Well, I am very happy to say that he/she is growing very well!  We had a doctor's appointment and ultra sound a week ago.  That gel is cold!  Don't let them tell you it's been warmed.  Watch them feign shock when you say it's cold.  It's cold (and they know it!).  And totally worth it.

Little One is certainly a performer or athlete already.  It was thrashing about, kicking and stretching, and I'm pretty sure a right hook was thrown at some point.  How absolutely enchanting to watch it moving around so vigorously.

I've been feeling it flutter since about Week 10, early I know, but I'm thin so I figure there's not much between us.  It's the most special feeling in all the world...well, that, and the look of absolute love, delight, and joy in my husband's eyes when he talks to my belly.  He can make Little One flutter just by talking to it.  It LOVES when he laughs and sings.  Flutter storms.

Wanna see?

It's a baby!  An actual baby-looking baby!  No more a blob.  And it's beautiful.

Everyday (during my not-sick moments) I get a little more excited about the thought that we're having a baby.  "Well, excited and scared" to quote Little Red of Into the Woods (more on that later!), but excited nonetheless.  If I'm honest, during those first few weeks I was much more scared, and even a little angry, than excited.  And maybe more than a "little" angry.  After all, we didn't plan this, and if you know me, I'm a planner.  I had most of this year planned out already, actually.  I was cast in a musical at a really great theatre that closes 2 weeks before my due date.  Obviously, I'm not doing that show anymore -- unless they need a tap dancing hippo!  I'm bummed about it because it is directed by a pretty prominent director in this area.  It's been a while since I've been in a dance show that I haven't choreographed.

I had held onto this little fantasy that when we were ready (you know, in 4 years or so), we would decide it was "time" and when we saw those two pink lines it would be the most exciting moment because it was what we really, really wanted, not a frightening, shocking experience with periodic, brief excitement.  Up until about 2 weeks ago, I've done more crying and freaking out than rejoicing about it all.  NOT the way I wanted to react.  Of course, being so sick all the time did not help things.  With my whole world changing course and my body rebelling against me -- how could I not be a little upset??  (Grace, right?)

Little One wasn't in my plans, and I'm still reconciling that a bit with my faith in God's timing and sovereign will (perhaps I'll write more in depth later!), but suffice it to say that ultrasounds and flutter storms are inspiring me to turn to Landon with a glow and a bit of wonder and say with honest happiness, "We're having a baby!!"

Granted, we have a LOT to figure out before Little One gets here and then a LOT more to figure out once we're parents but right now I'm excited to be 14 weeks and showing and eating chicken salad and wearing new clothes and treasuring moments.  If I've noticed any shift in myself, it's that I'm living more "in the moment" than I have ever in life.  Each moment is different and I have to treasure the good ones (like when my husband sings me to sleep on a particularly sick night) and push through the bad....or rather, learn to wait through the bad (watching Numb3rs helps!).

An interesting tidbit :  I've already been pregnant longer than we were engaged!  You have to know that waiting long periods of time is hard for me!!!  Moment by moment...

Tune in next time for more on how Sondheim and pregnancy brain are really, really not friends.

All About FOOD!

Happy 9 weeks!  The end of the first trimester is clearly in sight and I'm hoping for an easier time of it.

The biggest question I get these days is -- "How are you feeling??", by which we all know they mean, "If you're not okay, no details please, but I really do hope you're okay (mostly so we don't have to talk about the details!!)!"  In my B.P. days (Before Pregnancy), I was very tight lipped about all bodily functions/feelings/sicknesses, unless it was as simple as a cold (which gains you some sympathy points).  Now, it's what's happening and therefore, all I can focus on, and shoot, you asked!  So I'm going to tell you, in great detail, with some grimaces, how I'm feeling.  You did ask after all...

I've mostly been feeling crummy.  All the time.  All. The. Time.  I munch on tortilla chips with a face that says "I don't think this will help", though it does...like 2%.  But 2% is better than nothing when I'm staring down The Quease. 

We stare each other down often.  Sometimes he wins.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes it's a draw and we're both left moaning.

I'm learning new tactics every day for winning.  I'd like to think he's got nothing on me.  Unfortunately, he's equally as good at changing things up.  What worked yesterday doesn't work today, and what works today doesn't work tomorrow.  Sigh.  Such is life, right?

Before we found out I was carrying this little chickadee, I was already feeling nauseated.  I thought it was due to our performances of Les Miserables in concert.  Three hours of sitting onstage in a room packed with people, stage lights, and a radiator directly behind your back would surely make anyone a tad queasy, right?  I broke up a few leftover candy canes and calmed my stomach with peppermint during songs that didn't include me.  Granted, the first time I did so, I hadn't pre-broken the pieces small enough and had to bite it with a loud SNAP! that seemed to resonate in our intimate space. The peppermint helped.  But I was only at 4-5 weeks at that point and the consumeyourlife sickness (I refuse to call it morning sickness!) hadn't fully kicked in yet.

Then three pregnancy tests later, not only did I realize I was hosting a tiny guest, I discovered I was also entertaining a very sensitive stomach.  Certain cravings kicked in full force -- holy pickles and cheese, Batman! -- and within a week turned to food aversions instead -- don't mention dill pickles in my presence, please.  Others popped up with more gentleness (red peppers, vanilla wafers, strawberry poptarts) and disappeared just as quietly.  The two constants that have satisfied cravings and also consistently soothe my stomach are lemonade and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  I'm drinking lemonade by the Super Double Gulp ( nearby 7-11s are fantastic), but only eating the ice cream in one scoopfuls (and no, not multiple one-scoops...all the time!). 

I've tried many of the tricks I've found online and tidbits of advice that everyone has.  They sort of work...sometimes...  Ginger ale helps for about 5 sips and then I can't stand it anymore.  Same with Sprite.  Ginger tea makes me gag; peppermint tea only helps for the first 3-4 sips and then it's nasty.  Saltine crackers were great -- now they turn my stomach.  Pretzel rods were amazing last week, until I threw them up enough.  Peanut butter still works as a calming agent, but only in moderation.  And believe it or not, oatmeal has helped the last two days...here's hoping it lasts!

Thankfully, my fellow employees have been so gracious and compassionate.  When The Quease stares too hard, someone is always quick to come cover my desk/phones for me so I can high tail it to the restroom for some quality time hugging, spitting in, and yelling at the porcelain throne.  Mostly I yell (silently) at it, because (TMI warning!!) I tend to just dry heave.  I've really only thrown up about 4-5 times, but I can't even count the number of times I've been about to -- and haven't.  It's a little maddening sometimes, because I think I will just "feel so much better" if I could only toss my pretzels.  But it isn't the flu, and the times I have let loose a bit have not been pleasant nor have I felt better afterwards.  Talk about a shaking, shivering, crying wreck.  Once, I was sure I was drowning and would die vomiting all that water that didn't seem to stop as I smacked the ground with my fist longing for breath.  Not fun.

Obviously, I know that it could be a lot worse.  I'm actually keeping food down, which is great.  But it's quite uncomfortable to say the least.  My incredibly supportive husband keeps telling me I'm doing a good job and that I can make it (I confess to whimpering...a lot...  Make that whining... a lot...).  And I'm sure he's right. :)

I spend most of my thoughts thinking about food -- mentally running down a list of what sounds good to eat (nothing).  I even resorted to scrolling through the emoji of food items on my phone once to see if anything triggered a desire of any kind.  Nada. 

Ironically, I feel the best when I'm full.  Not overly full (THAT is miserable!), but comfortably full.  I'm learning to tell the difference between hunger and nausea, and when I catch it early enough, I can circumvent the nausea by feeding the hunger.  Books, etc, recommend 6 small meals vs. 3 big meals, but I'm finding that a small snack every 20 minutes or munching most of the day is honestly what keeps me feeling best.  And I don't think I'm gaining too much weight yet. ;)

Funny story:  We went to the aquarium the other day (which I think is a great place for a baby -- I can't wait to take ours!), and afterwards it was definitely dinner time.  Now, when hunger comes on, it comes on HARD.  No warning.  Utter pain and emptiness and very demanding  -- I tend to react in the way I imagine the baby will react when he/she is hungry.  We walked outside and it hit me oh so intensely.  I pretty much begged to go to the Mexican restaurant across the street (the only thing around for miles) and conveniently had a craving for a bean burrito.  We went.  I think it was easier than listening to me moan in my Quease battle.  Well, what do you suppose they had on the menu??  A "Pregnant Burrito" - a burrito filled with beans.  I got a good laugh out of that!  How did they know???

Now, all that being said, today has actually been a very good day.  I only dry heaved about 3 times (a record!), and only spent a few morning hours pushing away The Quease.  I've had a steady stream of lemonade, an orange, a yogurt, a granola bar, oatmeal, and some crackers and chips.  Lunch was catered in for a meeting and they had leftovers, so I helped myself to some grilled chicken, mac & cheese, potato salad, baked beans, and a large stack of hamburger pickles (it's the dill I can't handle!).  Like I said, being full helps a lot.  And hey -- a free lunch??  Yes, please!

So that is my exciting report on food.  It's truly what I think about most these days -- mostly as an attempt to feel non-queasy.

In answer to your question, I mostly feel okay -- nauseous now and then, and exhausted pretty much all the time, but I can still solidly put it in the "okay" category.  :)  So thankful that it's not worse and so far, uncomplicated.

Btw, you should ask my husband for his hilarious movie premise based on queasiness.  It definitely brightened up my day...even if The Quease did still hang around...

Heartbeat Flickers that Spoke Life

Isn't it beautiful?

I mean, it's just a grainy picture of some shapes, but isn't it exquisite??

Life.  There's life in there.  And I'm in love.

I'm also blown away.  The waterfall of love and excitement happily cascading over us these last few days has touched the deepest part of my heart.  The part where I tuck the things that bring tears rushing to my eyes with the love of it.  I am greatly moved by words of congratulations and well wishes and advice and expressions of joy and excitement and celebration.  In high school, one of my favorite words was "effulgence: radiant splendor; a brilliant radiance; a shining forth".  The words I read (and yes, the "likes" that kept piling up!) was like a shining forth of love - a brilliant splendor of joy - an effulgence of family.  So thank you.  My heart is full right now.

What an unexpected journey!  I just finished reading The Hobbit and I feel as bewildered as Bilbo welcoming in a houseful of dwarves and wizard. (Think I spelled that wrong?  I looked it up!)  Only, I don't think we're going "there and back again" this time.  I think we're headed for "there and all that lies beyond".  For the record -- we were very, very surprised to discover that all of my exhaustion, nausea, and mood swings had a reason, and it wasn't that I had just started a new job with a new (earlier!) schedule and was juggling two shows at once.  Surprised as we are, though, we are also very excited!  I suppose I would be more outwardly excited if I felt better...whoever named it "morning" sickness LIED!

Last week, we snagged an earlier doctor's appointment (who wanted to wait till March 5th??) and met our wonderful doctor.  She was really fantastic.  I don't like doctors, like, at all, ever, but she was very soothing yet professional, and that comforted me greatly.  And then she did the ultrasound.

Talk about magic.  There on the screen was this little...thing...that wasn't there before. And then we saw it -- and I wanted to hold my breath.

A tiny flicker.  A really teeny, tiny flicker of light flickering at high speed.  A heartbeat.  Its heartbeat.  His or her heartbeat.  Life.  That little heartbeat flicker spoke life.  It said, "I am here!  I'm alive!  I'm new!  I'm growing!  I'll see you soon!"  And as silent tears fell from my eyes, I took a deep breath and realized my life will never be the same.

I wasn't expecting new life.  I wasn't even hoping for it.  Eventually, yes, but not actively.  But life there is.  And it is living.  And growing.  And completely changing my body.

And my heart.

I still don't know how to wrap my head around all of this.  I tear up every time I say (or even think!) "I'm going to be a mommy."  I'm not at all ready for this.

The other day, I typed a message to Landon -- crying -- and said, "We're having a specifically and fearfully and wonderfully made baby!?!?"

So when all is said and done, Someone was ready for this.  Very ready.  I don't know why, but He really wanted this one here sooner than I was planning.  Still wrapping my head around that, too...

If you have a chance, watch this video.  And when you start hearing them sing "Hallelujah!" as the baby is being formed, remember - absolutely remember - the amazing, breathtaking, breath-giving, specifically and wonderfully made-ness of yourself...and know that I'm crying with you.   

Now, the real question is....will my baby be born with a beard??