Sometimes you just need to treasure the ponders of your heart...

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Tickled Pink!

I am tickled PINK!  And PURPLE!  And sparkles and tutus and ribbons and ruffles and flowers and Nancy Drew and butterflies!

If you haven't heard -- we're having a GIRL!

I still tear up every time I think of it (like right now).  A girl.  A soft, sweet, bright-eyed little princess.  I'm tickled pink.

And now I know why I STILL have morning sickness!

We debated long and hard whether we were going to find or not.  Every time I made up my mind, I decided against myself.  Then one night, I said, "I think I want to find out.  Yes. I do."  Landon said, "I still haven't decided."  A wave of horror spread over me as I realized, I am not the only one making this decision!  It took me a full 24 hours to relay that to him.

The debate raged on.  Well, actually, it was very amicable.  Mostly, it was a lot of me wavering and waffling.  And then came the "Well, how do we want to find out??"  Have the doctor write it down and put it in an envelope?  It was at this point that I really felt the distance of friends and family.  I just know Liz or Amanda or my mom would have created some special gender reveal moment for us.  But we're still mostly on our own here -- morning/all day sickness has torpedoed our social calendar.

Finally, the day of the ultrasound arrived.  I woke early with the thought, "I get to see my baby today!"  At work, I had to temper the bouncing in my chair whenever someone came around the corner.  I was so excited!  That, plus the rare bit of caffeine that I'm sufficiently weaned from and so highly react to!

On our way to the hospital, we were still figuring it out!  We signed in and I finally said, "Let's find out.  And let's have them tell us right away.  I don't need an envelope or any of that nonsense.  I just want to know!"  My dear husband agreed with me...and they called my name.

Seriously.  I was so excited.  The 2-3 minutes we had to wait while the tech went over my chart was agony.  I had to take off my bangle bracelets because every time I moved they jingled and it was causing my tension to rise.

She kindly asked if we wanted to find out and how and I eagerly answered, "YES!  And right now!"  She was fantastic.  You could tell she truly loved her job.  She made the experience so much fun...though I can't seem to remember her name.  Trina or something...

It was a good thing we decided on finding out right away because the first thing we saw was a nice view of...well, the parts that would tell us!  She said, "I usually wait until the end to find out gender, BUT it's right here and not at all shy about's a girl!"  I think we just squeezed hands tight and laughed and looked at each other like we had just made the best thing in the world.  "A girl??  Are you sure? They told my parents I was a boy...."  "Oh, I am SURE," she said. "There is absolutely no doubt about it!"

Sigh.  One of the happiest moments of my life so far.  Happiest and completely mind blowing.

The rest of the ultrasound was so much fun.  Suddenly "it" had been replaced with "she" and "her".  We saw her feet and her hands and her very cool looking spine.  She has a good solid heartbeat and well-developing brain.  The only thing we couldn't really get a good look at was her face.  We got a glimpse of her profile and finally a bit of lip and nose, but she stubbornly refused to look away from my spine despite all the poking and pushing and general disruption of her happy little home.  Except for that, the tech told us she was the most cooperative baby she'd had all week.  That's my girl! 

The tech left to get the doctor and we just sat there (well, I was still laying down) and just soaked it in.  A girl.  We're having a girl.  A daughter.  Landon's face was glowing.  It was like I could see his heart swelling, as I'm sure he could see in my face, too. 

The doctor came in, confirmed that she was doing well, got a few more pictures of her heart, and left.  We left with our treasure trove of photos of little feet and a dvd that recorded her heartbeat and her delightful movements.  Certainly something to treasure forever.

Immediately upon leaving we set our course for Target.  Now that I knew who Little One is, I had to shop!  And oh was it fun!  And slightly overwhelming, too!  So many cute little clothes.  I ooohed and aaaahhed over them, my bounce showed up again, and I held up everything I thought was adorable for Landon to voice approval.  Of course, then I noticed he was filming me with an amused twinkle in his eye.  I was beyond caring. ;)  I was shopping for my daughter!

We (okay, I) decided on a set of onesies - one with a ballerina monkey saying, "Daddy's Girl", another with lots of little dancing monkeys, and one covered in pointe shoes.  Because of course.  We also found a little three-piece outfit (jacket, onesie, and leggings) that says "Mommy's Little Dancer" (pictured above), also because of course. 

When we arrived home, we decided to not let our mothers wait in agonizing suspense any longer.  They were both so eager to know...and yet so patient.  Not even one text begging to know! :)

We set up my phone on the right and Landon's on the left and facetimed both at once.  The similarities of what happened next are awesome.  Dads were on the left, moms on the right.  We held up two balloons - one pink, one blue -- and said that only one would inflate.  We blew them up and of course, only the pink inflated (I let Landon have that one because I knew I couldn't keep a straight face long enough to actually blow up a balloon!).  Both moms started clapping their hands and jumping up and down, squealing.  Both dads had hands on their hips, grinning, beaming, tearing up, and saying, "A girl!"  Then both moms said, "I can't wait to go shopping!!!"  Hahaha.  I love it.

Both sides of the family are boy-heavy, so how fun to add a girl to the mix!  Especially my side with Matt and Erin having 4 boys.  The Pointers needed a girl. :)

We are thrilled.  Absolute so excited.  I think I'm a little relieved, too, because I feel much better equipped to mother a girl than a boy at this point.  I keep having moments of realization about her.  I'm going to be the one giving the sex-talk on this one.  She's going to have hair I can braid!  Landon can take her on daddy-daughter dates!  And then the funniest one, she's going to have breasts!  To which Landon replied, "Which NO ONE will EVER touch!"  Hahaha.  I was thinking about training bra shopping, but okay, that, too. ;)

We posted on facebook to let people know our discovery, which I felt a little lame about, but honestly, the impatience won out.  I had tried to come up with some super clever (Pinteresty?) way to "tell the world" (oh how I miss my photographer friends!), but truly, I've been stripping back some of that "need" to have every moment be photo-worthy.  I blame my theatrical side.  But seriously, can't a special moment just be a special moment without over-thinking and over-designing it?  I have absolutely nothing against telling a cute, fun story with photos.  I love it.  I'm jealous of it.  And in this season, though it's the perfect season for it all, I'm learning to let it go and just enjoy the moments and treasure the memories as only I can -- not as how I "need" the world to see it.  That being said, I AM still hoping against hope that Devon can come out and take newborn photos!  (I love her newborn work!)

So!  We're having a girl!  And now you're wondering about her name, right??  Well.  Though I couldn't wait to tell you her gender, we will be waiting until she is born to announce her name. :)  But I can tell you that it will be a very specifically chosen, well-thought out name, because we're word people and the meaning of a word/name is very important to us.

And now -- let the registering and shopping commence!

A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

20.5 weeks - May 15, 2014

Friday, May 9, 2014

Hear My Song

Before you start reading, open the link to this song* in another tab and let it be your background music. :)

I can't listen to it without crying these days, though granted, everything makes me cry these days.

A co-worker stopped by my desk the other day to see how I was feeling, and asked, "Have you started singing to the baby yet??"  I laughed a little, and replied, "Well, it was onstage with me for the last four weekends as I sang in Into the Woods!  And Landon sings to it all the time."  But it got me thinking...

I haven't really.  Not yet.  Understandable, as my time is spent at work or feeling sick at home, and people would look askance at a singing receptionist (or maybe I could add that to my job description?!) and when you feel sick, singing isn't really on the top of your list.  At least it isn't on the top of mine.

Her question makes me tear up when it echoes in my mind.  Little One obviously responds to our voices - singing or otherwise.  Landon has been able to make it move by talking or singing since week 10, and now that we're approaching week 20 (Sunday!), he can feel the response, too.  During the last Saturday performance of Into the Woods, I was singing the sad song -- "No One is Alone" -- that has lyrics about mother not being here anymore and oh boy!  Little One was SO active throughout.  I had to fight back a smile (I should have been crying.  The one time my pregnancy hormones would not work for me!) and the urge to stop and say, "No, no!  I'm here; I'm not leaving.  Mother is here."  And THEN I wanted to cry.

I miss my mom.  A lot.  The distance from Colorado to Michigan is terrible.  It feels even further away the more my belly rounds and my thoughts become more and more like a mom's.  I suppose that's natural.  The closer to motherhood I get, the further from childhood I move, and yet all I want is to be my mother's child....and hear her sing over me.

My entire childhood was characterized by my mother singing.  I fell asleep to her playing the piano, a warm blanket of music that assured me she was there.  Everyday tasks and activities had their own little song that would have made Snow White proud.  It was just our way of life.

I obviously went into musical theatre honestly.

Mom (and me!) - June, 1986
Our regular UPS delivery guy at work asked me yesterday, "So, I keep delivering flowers for Mother's Day this week and it got me thinking, are you considered a mother already?"  I proudly decided, "Yes, I am!"  After all, I'm carrying and caring for and loving this child, and if (God forbid!) something were to happen and it didn't come to term, I would still consider myself a mother and grieve as such.

That was two days after it had already hit me hard -- I'm going to be a MOM.

I'm glad I have a good one.

Are you listening to the song I posted at the top?  I was singing it last night as I was heating up our Rainy Day Soup, and I kept getting choked up.  I sit in the middle of mothering and needing to be mothered (which will never change, right?) and I hear this song from both sides....words to be sung over my baby and words my mother sings over me.  The ending is particularly hard for me to get past the tears enough to warble a melody:

Listen to the song that I sing
Listen to the words in my heart
Listen to the hope I can bring
And you'll start to grow
And shine
Listen to the song that I sing
And trust me...
We'll be fine.

There's hope in there, isn't there?  This legacy of mothering that gets passed down from generations in songs and words and love.  It all adds up to growth and hope and trust.  I realize that's not true for everyone, but I think I can confidently say it's what we at least long for in a mother.

And someone is going to long for that from me.

I'm daunted. 

But again, I have a good one, so I'm not terribly daunted. :)

Mom (and me!) - Dec. 24, 1986
I had a revelation the other day that I've been keeping close to my heart, but I'm willing to share now.  I'm more accepting of this pregnancy now, though I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, but I certainly wasn't to begin with.  If you didn't know by now, we did not plan this.  In fact, I had my year pretty well planned out!  I'm not a huge fan of my plans getting disrupted, like, ever.  I spent many tears lamenting a life change that I felt was pushed on me/us.  Hormonal tears, yes, but also stubborn tears.  Am I 100% over that feeling?  No.  But I'm closer.  Especially as Little One continues to greet us through my belly.  But to get to the "revelation"...

I was chosen to have this child.

Not planning and hoping for it makes the choice feel all the more intentional.  Now was the appointed time for this child to be here.  I certainly didn't feel as accepting as Mary did, but I'm not bearing the Christ child.  BUT -- enter revelation -- I was chosen to have a child that may very well reflect Christ to someone somewhere some time in a way that only he/she can.

....I'm still pondering it....

It's....I'm not sure...something akin to intimidating, honoring, and exciting all at the same time.

I will continue to ponder.

But lie in my arms while you're sleeping
And think of the rivers you've crossed
I'll tell you the dreams I've been keeping
For moments like this

When your hope is lost

Amazing how much we depend on our mothers.  For warmth, for life, for hope.  To remind us of truth we've forgotten.

It reminds me of someone else, too.  I think I know where us mothers get it from.

The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

I'm glad that's where we get it from. :)

It's why we allow our bodies to drastically change, why we cry over certain songs, why we wake up in the middle of the night, why we pray.   And I've barely become part of this "we".

Mother's Day is Sunday.  I will spend it FaceTiming with my mother and mother-in-love, and rubbing my belly while singing to my Little One, storing up one dream after another.

Happy Mother's Day!

18.5 weeks - April 30, 2014

*Hear My Song, from Songs for a New World by Jason Robert Brown (only one of the best shows ever from one of the best composers ever!)