Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Heartbeat Flickers that Spoke Life
I mean, it's just a grainy picture of some shapes, but isn't it exquisite??
Life. There's life in there. And I'm in love.
I'm also blown away. The waterfall of love and excitement happily cascading over us these last few days has touched the deepest part of my heart. The part where I tuck the things that bring tears rushing to my eyes with the love of it. I am greatly moved by words of congratulations and well wishes and advice and expressions of joy and excitement and celebration. In high school, one of my favorite words was "effulgence: radiant splendor; a brilliant radiance; a shining forth". The words I read (and yes, the "likes" that kept piling up!) was like a shining forth of love - a brilliant splendor of joy - an effulgence of family. So thank you. My heart is full right now.
What an unexpected journey! I just finished reading The Hobbit and I feel as bewildered as Bilbo welcoming in a houseful of dwarves and wizard. (Think I spelled that wrong? I looked it up!) Only, I don't think we're going "there and back again" this time. I think we're headed for "there and all that lies beyond". For the record -- we were very, very surprised to discover that all of my exhaustion, nausea, and mood swings had a reason, and it wasn't that I had just started a new job with a new (earlier!) schedule and was juggling two shows at once. Surprised as we are, though, we are also very excited! I suppose I would be more outwardly excited if I felt better...whoever named it "morning" sickness LIED!
Last week, we snagged an earlier doctor's appointment (who wanted to wait till March 5th??) and met our wonderful doctor. She was really fantastic. I don't like doctors, like, at all, ever, but she was very soothing yet professional, and that comforted me greatly. And then she did the ultrasound.
Talk about magic. There on the screen was this little...thing...that wasn't there before. And then we saw it -- and I wanted to hold my breath.
A tiny flicker. A really teeny, tiny flicker of light flickering at high speed. A heartbeat. Its heartbeat. His or her heartbeat. Life. That little heartbeat flicker spoke life. It said, "I am here! I'm alive! I'm new! I'm growing! I'll see you soon!" And as silent tears fell from my eyes, I took a deep breath and realized my life will never be the same.
I wasn't expecting new life. I wasn't even hoping for it. Eventually, yes, but not actively. But life there is. And it is living. And growing. And completely changing my body.
And my heart.
I still don't know how to wrap my head around all of this. I tear up every time I say (or even think!) "I'm going to be a mommy." I'm not at all ready for this.
The other day, I typed a message to Landon -- crying -- and said, "We're having a specifically and fearfully and wonderfully made baby!?!?"
So when all is said and done, Someone was ready for this. Very ready. I don't know why, but He really wanted this one here sooner than I was planning. Still wrapping my head around that, too...
If you have a chance, watch this video. And when you start hearing them sing "Hallelujah!" as the baby is being formed, remember - absolutely remember - the amazing, breathtaking, breath-giving, specifically and wonderfully made-ness of yourself...and know that I'm crying with you.
Now, the real question is....will my baby be born with a beard??