I'm Pondering This...

Almost four months in and motherhood has my heart.

 

How could it not? This sweet girl who looks at me with adoration and complete trust. She has swept me up in a love I've never known and unlike any other.

My heart aches when she cries. I rush to her and she quiets, safe in Mama's arms. She knows they're safe. She knows what comfort looks like, smells like. This little creature who wasn't instructed to turn to me for help does so without question, without hesitation, without wondering if I'll comply.

I ponder this...

She grows and laughs now, wiggles with abundant energy, stretches like she's never once moved, rolls over when she's so inclined. I watch her grow, her shape changing, her acknowledgement of the world deepening, her delight increasing. A personality lies within that little person and it's coming out, breaking through the infant on her way to little girl. She can be measured by her new bear. By her new laugh. By her long toes.

She grows so quickly! Don't blink! They say it. They mean it. They're right. Nearly four months and where is my tiny baby? Who is this munchkin who says "Mum" and "Aaad" and "Ah uv ooo" as if she knows what she's saying? She grabs what she wants and recognizes the faces from across the country on a little screen that brings them closer. Who said she could do that? Who can slow her down?

I ponder this...

My phone's memory swells with photos and needs emptying once, twice, three times weekly, entrusted to a hard drive with more room. More than 3,000 and counting. The first child is well documented. I can't stop snapping, can't erase, must capture each moment, each moment, each moment. Is it too dark? I'll lighten it. Is it too blurry? See how active she is! Is it a funny face? Happens to the best of us. Must keep them all.

She refuses to sleep in her bassinet preferring the closeness of mom and her comfortable bed. Mom can't object because one day she won't want to cuddle and now it's so precious.

I try anyway.

Eyes open wide in that little crib and she stares, stares, stares unblinking and rapt. I sing her a lullaby, a hymn, notes from my heart and she stares, stares, smiles and stares, in awe, in love, enraptured. My "audience of one" has always been spiritual, and heaven knows she's no angel nor divine but oh, if she's my only audience then my heart is full, the house is sold out.

Her blue eyes stand out in the near dark...a poor photograph captures them in all her father's glory. Eyes he gave her, yet all her own. They're always searching, exploring, locking on parental faces, faces who love her most.

She scans the room for her father's face whenever she hears his voice. She stares deep into my eyes as I sing my love over her.

I ponder this...

 

My word for the year is "Return." 

I hear Dean Martin sing and Hosea echoes in my ears and Jesus beckons and the Holy Spirit tugs at my heart.

I hard stop what I'm doing and scan the room for his face as I hear his voice. I am unfaithful and filled with wanderlust, but he chases me down. I am diseased and foreign and he heals and welcomes. So I return and give thanks. Oh, I give thanks. 

I say "I love you" the best I can and sometimes it comes out unintelligibly, but he sees the tears streaming as I reach to meet his embrace, reaching with hand holding bread dipped in wine. I'm nourished by his comfort, loved though my personality breaks through the little girl so long on my way to woman. I rest in that embrace, home again.

And I return and give thanks.

Thanks for my beautiful daughter teaching me so much about the Father's heart.

Thanks for her love teaching me so much about unconditional acceptance.

I ponder this...

Almost four months in and motherhood has my heart.

I'm still an expectant mama. Expecting my heart to be wrung and rent and reformed by this beautiful new love.

I'm pondering this...